Break up 1

My tears came like my words; escaping me in unfeeling, steady, meter. My counterpart on the other end of the phone was doing worse. Her retching came in heaves, islands of solid sound among a mangle of shrieking wails and heart-shaking groans.

But  I had to keep going. I felt like one of Pol Pot's  executioners, grimly working my way through a family  of  "new people." I'd already been through the the jealousy, the resentment, the anger. But now I found no pleasure in my retribution. "Numb yourself.  Keep human feeling  at bay. Just until it's over. Each shrieking plea, each fresh flicker of hope, extinguish.  Don't be cruel. Don't prolong their pain. Don't prolong yours."

"Please, just let it be over."

Until finally, on delivering the final bullet, the sound that was crushing my skull suddenly stops. Line - dead. And I'm left - still feeling nothing - acutely aware of my surroundings. I stand alone in a crater where a city once stood. Silence surrounds me, somehow audible in the highest definition, but for a mute wind, gently buffeting the debris.

There's a new sensitivity to my senses. Registering the slightest movement and feeling every nuzzle of wind. If someone would call, I'd respond immediately. Yet for the last twenty minutes I've sat like a ragdoll - limp and completely still, my gaze not moving even a tenth of an inch.

Ever so slowly,  I start to form simple  thoughts. I want to go outside, and dumbly shuffle, foot-by-foot, towards the exit. An apprehension of returning feeling builds. Nausea builds as the taste of bile announces itself in the back of my throat. And then, all of a sudden, stood alone on a warm night beneath a palm tree, I implode like a condemned building.

Essential purchases only

Wayne Hicks, lockdown furloughee, today visited his local Tesco Express to purchase toilet roll, essential products such as toiletries being among the few valid reasons to enter a shop.

Wayne explained "I entered the shop and headed directly for the toiletries section, being sure to respect the two metre distancing rule at all times. However, as I picked up the 1-roll pack of loo toilet paper,  a curious thirst came upon me, and to my consternation I realised that it could only be quenched by a nice, cold, three or four packs of San Miguel. I picked these up and hastened to the till. By serendipity I espied some varieties of Walkers Sensations, and was struck by the epiphany that these might make a fine accompaniment to the alcoholic beverages that I had chanced upon. Given that I was already in the shop - for my essentials toilet roll that is -  I scooped up several.

As I reached the till, I placed the toilet roll upon the desk, and happened to make mention of the fact - loudly, in case she were hard of hearing - that this toilet roll would be a load off my mind.  "Oh, and I nearly forgot!", as I looked down in surprise at my basket, "since I'm already here, I might as well be taking these" and placed the 16 440ml cans of beer and several family size packs of crisps atop the counter.

As the cashier dutifully scanned my items through, I spotted a shiny locker behind her. ”Cigarettes you say? Perhaps it's time I gave them a try.”

Henry and the Honey

Henry was a happy bear. He spent summer scampering through the forest chasing clouds of butterflies. He’d swim through the lakes with shoals of fish. And best of all he’d climb trees looking for honey.

When it was winter Henry had to hibernate. But soon spring came and the forest was full of lovely flowers! This brought bees from far and wide, and they made lots and lots of honey from the flowers’ nectar. Henry was very happy because now he could eat honey every single day, and he didn’t even have to climb a tree to find it!

But one day Henry began to feel sick. He ate more honey to try and make himself feel better, but he only felt worse and worse.

One day Henry was feeling very ill and lying in the shade of a tree. An owl came and landed on the branch above him, and asked him what was wrong.

Henry exclaimed “I don’t feel well, Mrs Owl. And even though I eat honey every day, I just feel worse!”

“Silly bear!” scolded Mrs Owl. “No wonder you feel ill. You aren’t supposed to eat honey every day!”
“Why not?” asked Henry
“Honey is full of sugar, and no creature can eat lots of sugar without getting very ill indeed!” said Mrs Owl.

So Henry decided he wouldn’t eat any more honey. Henry started to eat vegetables and herbs, which weren’t as yummy, but Henry knew they would make him feel better. Soon Henry discovered berries and nuts, which were very yummy indeed, and they made him feel even better!

Now Henry feels better than he ever did before. He can swim as fast as a fish, can jump high enough to catch a butterfly, and climb to the top of the tallest trees.

And Henry wants to let you in on a secret, that’s where the best honey is kept. And its best of all if you only have it once a week ;)

Fitness instructors revealed as liars

There was astonishment at a local gym today, as it emerged that fitness instructors knowingly misled customers about the number of reps they had left to perform.

Fledgling gym-goer, Jennifer Flanders, said "Rachel seems like a nice person, you know, beneath all the yelling and hauteur. However there seems to be a problem with her memory. Often's the time she tells me "Just one more rep!", yet having completed said rep, she'll follow it with something like "That's it. Keep going!", almost like she can't remember her first sentence at all."

High Intensity Interval Trainer, Katy Adderall, explained, "You may argue it's semantic, but I have never in all my six years on the job lied. When I say "just one more!" that's what I mean. And then one more, and then one more, and so on... Frankly I don't see where the confusion is."

Gym-veteran, James Miles, 32, told us the revelation wouldn't have any impact on his workout routine. "As an ardent masochist on a budget you can't find better value than a circuits & abs class. Of course you have to find the right instructor; one who'll really put you through your paces, but when you do it's like an hour of S&M virtually for free; plus my arms get bigger."

The effectiveness of the technique has caused moral philosophers to revise previously held opinions on the value of truth. Professor Dean, Head of Ethics, Moxbridge University, said  "John Mill once wrote that the truth of something is an integral part of its utility. Well, my resting BPM is 42, and I'm dating someone less than half my age. Hedonically calculate that."

Your appearance when you first look in the mirror is how you appear to others

The hopes of mirror-viewers nationwide took a knock today, as it emerged that your appearance when you first look in the mirror is how you invariably appear to others.

Research shows that mirror-viewers will often modify their hair and tilt their faces to cast themselves  in the best possible light. However, it also shows that within moments most people’s faces will have moved to a new position relative to the light source, and their hair will have reverted to its previous state of unbecoming disarray.

Clive Jones, 27, told us “This news comes as a real shock to me. I’d always thought that once I’d primped my hair and hit the town no-one would detect my grimly receded hairline. It seems I was wrong."

Meanwhile, Michael Oliver, 29, explained, ”Despite my advanced years I’ve always gone for the windswept, laid-back, indie look. If I’m honest I can’t say any girl’s ever gone for it, at least, not since my freshers year of uni. But I swear to you that in those precious, fleeting seconds in the gent’s before I head back to my depressingly male-dominated corner booth, I look like peak bloody Zach Effron. No study's taking that away from me."

Labour leadership hopefuls express desire to win leadership contest

The Labour leadership race today took an unexpected turn, with the chasing pack of contenders – all trying to catch runaway front-runner, Jeremy Corbyn - saying that Corbyn wouldn’t make as good a leader as them. This marks a departure from previous contests, in which candidates made lengthy speeches explicating how their opponents exceed them by all meaningful measures, and ending with an apology for wasting everyone’s time.

Liz Kendall, currently last in the polls, said, “It’s remarkable that so unelectable a candidate as Jeremy should garner so much support from the electorate. Labour needs to pick a real potential next prime-minister, or risk fading into insignificance. Someone less popular, that is.”

“My campaign is this. It’s vital that we engage with the 30% of the electorate who didn’t vote in the last election, particularly young people. That’s why we’re going to spray them with sewage and tell them to fuck off. Politics is closed, shit-heads.”

Girls like birthdays more than men

Research unveiled today shows the average woman makes a bigger deal of her birthday than the average man does of his.

After data-mining social media for several months, a team of scientists from Moxbridge university found that females are twenty four times more likely to create an event entitled "Birthday drinks!!! :D", and a staggering one hundred and twelve times more likely to post a "Birthday Selfie."

Birthday girl, Catherine Howard, 24, told us, "I love birthdays. I don't get why anyone wouldn't celebrate theirs! It's a great excuse to get everyone together, have a few drinks, and most importantly, just have a laugh!!"

Michael Hughes, 26, however, offered a different perspective. "Cat does this every year. Gets us all to dress up so we can go to some moderately trendy bar, where we sit around unable to hear each other for a couple of hours. That's before going to some equally unbearable night club, where social protocol obliges us to "dance", the excruciating awkwardness of it being broken like clockwork every twenty minutes by "DRINK??", loudly mimed by Cat or one of her henchmen. Then we'll stand in the queue to pay £30 a round for drinks we all silently pray will never come, because it signals the restarting of the whole ghastly cycle."

Henry Milgram, leading the Moxbridge project, said, "There are manifold reasons that women tend to make a bigger fuss of their birthdays than men. But basically we reckon girls like to feel a bit special. Same as weddings."

Meanwhile, office-drone, Tom Davis, said, "So the other Saturday I got up and checked my Facebook. To my surprise I had 29 notifications. It seems that over the course of the previous night I had had a "Birth-Day", which apparently is something good, because loads of people have congratulated me. Well well... who knew?"