Mainstream social media criticism finally declared dead

The final attempt to make a meaningful, non-ironic criticism on Facebook was today shot down in a hail of sarcastic one-liners and hackneyed internet memes. The commenter has since deactivated his account, and is suspected to be in hiding in a remote guest-house in North Wales.

Professor Dean, History of Intercommunicative Media, Moxbridge University, said, “When social media was originally conceived there was a popular theory that it would in some way facilitate and increase the communication of “ideas” between users. Instead we saw a gradual edging out of such activity. Those who continued attempts at meaningful discussion were identified as pariahs by the community, ostracised, and driven out of the herd to find fellow outcasts on fringe channels like reddit."

Prolific Facebook poster, Mark James said “I did this great post about how harsh the German language sounds. As evidence I included a clip of a bald, angry looking German bloke head-butting the air over his beer, whilst shouting something in German. Afterwards a pretty blonde girl said the same thing, only softly, and in French. The difference was there for all to see.”

Then this guy I knew from school said, “Well, I know it’s a bit of fun, but it's not exactly scientific.”

“So obviously I just posted “Oh, wow”, and a picture of Leonard from the Big Bang Theory holding up a sign saying “SARCASM”. Of course, as my caption made very clear,  I wasn't actually being sarcastic when I posted it. But the alternative seemed to be to engage with what he said. And that wasn't going to happen, was it?"

Cute girls get away with it

Who can blame this face?

Studies undertaken by one Professor Dean of the Faculty of Relational Psychology at Moxbridge University have shown a proportional relationship between the cuteness of a girlfriend, and the amount of emotionally manipulative bullshit she can get away with.

“In your typical relationship there is often an amount of “acting out” by one party or the other. However, our investigation has shown that if the female is of “cute” appearance – as defined by a randomised group in a laboratory setting – we find unwillingness and/or inability by the male to see her misdeeds as significantly reprehensible.”

In such a relationship, activity such as "repeated cheating" will be seen as stemming from “weakness”; whereas in another relationship it is more likely to be described as “downright fucking selfish.”

Professor Dean went on to add, “Of course both descriptions are biased. Moral weakness and selfishness are really one and the same. The separation is merely semantic.”

Subsequent testing pointed to the “cuteness:mitigation effect” existing not merely within the confines of the two person relationship, but spilling over into the perceptions of mutual associates. “We were curious as to whether or not greater detachment from the incidents provided a less biased view. We concluded maybe a bit, but not really. 

"Perhaps it’s something to do with the prism effect of those glasses they always wear. We’ll have to look into that.”