Research unveiled today shows the average woman makes a bigger deal of her birthday than the average man does of his.
After data-mining social media for several months, a team of scientists from Moxbridge university found that females are twenty four times more likely to create an event entitled "Birthday drinks!!! :D", and a staggering one hundred and twelve times more likely to post a "Birthday Selfie."
Birthday girl, Catherine Howard, 24, told us, "I love birthdays. I don't get why anyone wouldn't celebrate theirs! It's a great excuse to get everyone together, have a few drinks, and most importantly, just have a laugh!!"
Michael Hughes, 26, however, offered a different perspective. "Cat does this every year. Gets us all to dress up so we can go to some moderately trendy bar, where we sit around unable to hear each other for a couple of hours. That's before going to some equally unbearable night club, where social protocol obliges us to "dance", the excruciating awkwardness of it being broken like clockwork every twenty minutes by "DRINK??", loudly mimed by Cat or one of her henchmen. Then we'll stand in the queue to pay £30 a round for drinks we all silently pray will never come, because it signals the restarting of the whole ghastly cycle."
Henry Milgram, leading the Moxbridge project, said, "There are manifold reasons that women tend to make a bigger fuss of their birthdays than men. But basically we reckon girls like to feel a bit special. Same as weddings."
Meanwhile, office-drone, Tom Davis, said, "So the other Saturday I got up and checked my Facebook. To my surprise I had 29 notifications. It seems that over the course of the previous night I had had a "Birth-Day", which apparently is something good, because loads of people have congratulated me. Well well... who knew?"
Wednesday, 1 July 2015
Man cultivating failure
A 26 year old man has today revealed his plans for becoming accomplished at something.
Whereas the mass of the population will simply get things done, Mike Hayes, currently unemployed, has painstakingly amassed a great stockpile of insults and put-downs which will one day soon prove invaluable.
"At first I thought I was just rubbish at life. However, now I see the genius of my unconscious mind. The ceaseless self-sabotage that is but a means to provide me with an ever-growing consortium of people saying that I'm useless; which will soon reach a critical mass, a tipping-point, when I shall stand for their disapprobation no longer. It is at that point that, when the night is darkest, the dawn of my life shall break."
Mike is confident that, though there is no sign of it yet, change is just around the corner. "I have worked harder than anyone I know to harness the explosive power of the oppressed man, and build the foundations of a life that cries, "I shall not be defeated!" Like Freddie Mercury said, "I've had my share of sand kicked in my face, but I've come through!”
"Admittedly he already had a few platinum albums behind him by the time he wrote that. And obviously he had one of the finest singing voices of the century. But that's just the point isn't it. I don’t have anything, which is going to make mine an even greater success story than his."
Whereas the mass of the population will simply get things done, Mike Hayes, currently unemployed, has painstakingly amassed a great stockpile of insults and put-downs which will one day soon prove invaluable.
"At first I thought I was just rubbish at life. However, now I see the genius of my unconscious mind. The ceaseless self-sabotage that is but a means to provide me with an ever-growing consortium of people saying that I'm useless; which will soon reach a critical mass, a tipping-point, when I shall stand for their disapprobation no longer. It is at that point that, when the night is darkest, the dawn of my life shall break."
Mike is confident that, though there is no sign of it yet, change is just around the corner. "I have worked harder than anyone I know to harness the explosive power of the oppressed man, and build the foundations of a life that cries, "I shall not be defeated!" Like Freddie Mercury said, "I've had my share of sand kicked in my face, but I've come through!”
"Admittedly he already had a few platinum albums behind him by the time he wrote that. And obviously he had one of the finest singing voices of the century. But that's just the point isn't it. I don’t have anything, which is going to make mine an even greater success story than his."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)