The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, today announced his
decision to stand for Parliament in next year’s general elections.
The Metropolitan mayor said that he was excited by the
prospect of balancing his mayoral duties with “getting on with a spot of jolly
old policy-forming.” Responding to the claim that juggling his professed
ambition of making London “the greatest city on Earth” with a potential
position in Cabinet, was irresponsible at best, criminally stupid at worst,
Johnson replied, “Well, they would say that wouldn’t they? The Lib-Lab piccaninnies.”
Publically reacting to the news of Johnson’s decision to
stand as MP today, David Cameron was visibly delighted. “I have always said I want my best players on
the pitch,” beamed the Tory leader, with a smile reminiscent of Tony Blair.
One PM aide reported that Cameron was so thrilled when he first
heard the news, that he instantly turned green and threw up into a nearby bin. “But
you shouldn’t misinterpret that. He often throws up when he gets really
excellent news. It was the same when he got offered his place at Cambridge. I’d
go so far as to say Dave is cock-a-hoop to have such a loyal friend
and ally alongside him in government.”
Team Miliband however displayed no such assuredness about
Johnson’s return to Westminster. “It’s a bloody disaster,” groaned a close ally
of the Labour leader. “Ed’s hair was the ONE area where we had a real lead in
the polls. It’s what 90% of our election campaign was going to be. It wasn’t
even going to have words. It was just going to be a montage of Ed walking
ambivalently through the car parks of recently closed hospitals and public
houses, repeatedly drawing his hand through his full and lustrous head of
hair. But now that bastard Boris has gone and torpedoed us.”
Upon trying to reach Nick Clegg for comment, we were told
that he wasn’t available as he was already campaigning hard in the run-up to
polling day. “Over the past few days we’ve really seen Nick at his best. He’s
been going without sleep, saying prayer after prayer to every known deity.
Unfortunately he hasn’t done Hinduism yet, and that’s got about three or four
million. Still, we all know it’s the best chance we’ve got.”
